Accepting my MS transformation
I never thought I’d have a positive outlook about my MS diagnosis. But that day has come and gradually turned into months. It’s not positive all the time, I still have very dark days, but they don’t last too long.
Let me tell you how I got here
I was diagnosed with MS in 2008. I’d had lots of the common MS symptoms: issues with mobility, optic neuritis, fatigue, cognitive problems and so on. Mine is the relapsing remitting type, so it would get really bad and gradually improve. But I never made a 100% recovery from my relapses.
Read more about relapsing remitting MS
I was very angry for a long time. I battled with various emotions. I was in a bad place for a while but eventually I started to focus on the positive side of things.
I know this sounds weird, but gradually I became thankful for parts of my body that still worked well. I became grateful for the right side of my body that still had feelings, the right eye that could still see. Gradually my outlook started to improve.
I gradually stopped grieving for the functions I’d lost. I stopped wishing for the activities I used to enjoy but couldn't do anymore. I started developing new interests. I started spending time with fellow MSers, because they understand when I explain my problems.
Eventually my priorities got reorganised. I adjusted my expectations from loved ones. I realised not everyone will get it and that’s okay. I stopped feeling guilty about my new normal.
MS had completely transformed me.
I didn’t recognise the new person looking back at me in the mirror. She looked so tired and worn out. She always looked sad, so for a while I looked for the old me. I desperately wanted her to come back but she was no more.
It felt like I was looking for the caterpillar, but she had become a butterfly. Maybe if it was a pretty butterfly I won’t have minded, but she looked grey and tired.
Learning to love the new me
I can’t remember when I started to love the new me, but I knew my physical body needed help. I started making lifestyle changes. I changed my diet and began exploring complementary and alternative therapies.
I started being kinder to myself, my inner voice became positive. I started praying and connecting with God. I started disease modifying treatment (DMT) in 2018 just over 10 years after my diagnosis. It's helped me a lot. I started listening to my body and realised I don’t owe anyone an apology to shut down.
My butterfly still isn’t as pretty as I would love, but she's come a long way. She still has the sad look sometimes, but bright colours are coming on her wings. You'd give her a second look if she came flying around you.
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