I'm really, really fed up with "rest days"

I know in so many ways my MS has been my grace. I will always go back to that and believe that wholeheartedly. But today, not so much, nor yesterday or the days before that. My leg has a thousand-pound lead weight strapped to it and I’m dragging it around like an old ball and chain.

My energy is nowhere to be found.

I’m constantly tripping up over my own foot, which won’t lift. In short, I’m not safe to go out. I run the risk of really hurting myself if I fall, potentially doing myself more long-term damage than what I hope and feel and pray is a bad few weeks.

Quitting smoking

I’ve quit smoking. Which is brilliant. And no, I shouldn’t have ever started again, epic fail on my part, but, there it is, I did. Anyhoo, I’ve quit. Which has really been pretty painless and brought me much joy. I haven’t particularly eaten more food. So why the f**k have I put 9lb on?

I Googled it.

It’s a thing.

It happens because my metabolism is now really slow without nicotine. It’s not a very fair thing I don’t think. But it’s a thing real enough. On the plus side, I’d have to go 40kg (over 6 stone) over my ideal weight to equal the risk of heart disease caused by smoking, according to this Aussie government website. And I know there are plenty of other good reasons to quit smoking too.

I’m thrilled about not smoking, it’s the best feeling ever. I truly am overjoyed.

Running the mental treadmill

But I’m feeling really uncomfortable in my clothes. A definite double chin seems to be trying to make an entrance. And I feel very trapped in my own skin. In my head, I go for a 10-mile walk with my dog every day. I run on the treadmill until my adrenaline and endorphins are bursting through. I do classes at the gym. I actually see myself doing these things, clear as watching a movie. Then I remember that it’s not going to happen.

Any of it.

I will have to wait until I have enough energy and my legs are behaving. Then maybe I can take Oscar to the dog park, manage a little walk. Or feel good enough to get my feet strapped into my trike pedals or do a few lengths at the pool.

I know how I sound.

I sound shallow.

My great (and not so great) expectations

There is more to life than the perfect body. There is more to life than having a thigh gap. But you know, I think it’s hard for all of us. We want to be our best selves physically as well as mentally. But it seems at times that physical attractiveness overshadows so much. The papers and the internet tell me it’s by far the most important factor in a person. But, yano, it’s not always a feasible thing for many reasons, for many of us, not just me.

Today I’m really not feeling great, haven’t for a while actually. And it feels stupid because I’ve been through this a million times before over the last 21 years. I know I try my best pretty much every single day, so this makes me cross. Cross with myself for letting this bother me so, but it does. And I’m cross with my MS for stealing things.

Time out to reflect

I’m hiding, I’m happier when I’m hiding. This will pass just as the weakness in my legs will hopefully pass. And I know it’s not just me. I think we all feel this way at times. But we shouldn’t. Because as I’ve said before, we’re alive. We get the opportunity to turn things around when so many others don’t.

So what if it takes time? We’re really lucky to have that time. So very much. So I won’t ever stop trying.

No way.

And I will always strive, physically and mentally, to be my best me. I will take myself away, write, get myself in a better place and learn from this little setback. I will try and remember that I have beauty, love, peace and light within me, and massive awe for this world. And that is where it’s at kids.

That’s the important s**t right there.

❤️